Betty ford says i'm here all night
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
