eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
