im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
