No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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