I can text with my tongue
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
