My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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