So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
