She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
