You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
