What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
