The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
