I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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