Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
i think my cat just said my name.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
