So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
