oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Also, beer. Big fan.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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