WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
