I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
My Sexting was not on an AP level
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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