You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
The Olympian is in my bed
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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