I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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