Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
try to milk me bitch
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
