Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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