You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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