I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
wow bdsm is so cute
Randomize
