saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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