The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
