I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
