I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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