Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
