Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
