apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
