Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
