Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Everyone says I win the strip club
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
