is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he was CRYING into my vagina
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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