I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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