He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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