woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
