On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
