put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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