If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
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