If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
