it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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