You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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