i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
