We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
