I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
