my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
