I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
