Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
