Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
She bit a glass in half.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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