I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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